I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
