i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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