i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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