Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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