the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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