I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
