I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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