The best revenge is premature balding
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
