I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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