apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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