I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
