Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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