so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
