Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
