haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize