oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
