What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize