i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
