dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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