Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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