he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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