i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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