just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Randomize
