We're facebook friends in real life
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
