Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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