I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
