My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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