i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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