Jerry, you need to find god
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I smell like Dick and happiness
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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