proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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