Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
do nipples grow back?
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