Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
