Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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