Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
