I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
