Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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