My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
