3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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