I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize