i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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