I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
