There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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