Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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