I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize