I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
