Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
