Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
