Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
