I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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