My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
