I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I could fuck to npr.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize