She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize