Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
