he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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