I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I wish there were birth control emojis
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize