he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
high people should be assigned attendants
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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